I really do not like standardized tests. I do not perform well with them because sometimes my panic unhinges me. I know the solutions. I know the answers. But I get this blank space in front of my eyes that I will myself sometimes to plunge into it and hope never to return and never to find out my disappointing results.
I hope I do well though, Lord knows, I prayed the novena to St. Jude Thaddeus, the patron saint for lost causes. I asked my friends and family to pray for me....knowing fully well that prayers only work if you do your part, at least in this case, studying for those exams in order to be taken in university PhD programs.
I just find myself frustrated over having to relive those horrors of word problems and quadratic equations. The last time I dealt with algebra was the last millennium. And here I am, step 2, to get in that PhD program only to be set into the crests of integers, parabolas, geometry and how long will June and Daisy take for them to meet if they started at two different points but moved in different speeds.
I am saying to myself that aside from hard work, there has to be higher machinations of "justice" intertwined with "luck" for me to get this. Though, I have to emotionally prepare myself on the probability that I will not get the PhD for art because of quantitative reasoning.
So here I am watching the last moments of the last episode of Six Feet Under to tell myself that life is bigger than this. Although, I would love to have Claire's artistic exploration and personal transformation into a substantial artist, too. Did she take that quantitative reasoning test as well before she got in the art program?