the first semester here at Texas Tech is done and i feel emotionally drained. i did not think i did well in one subject and i truly hope that my average is up to standards.
So, I left the Philippines last August 21 and was honestly not emotionally prepared to be here. On the days leading up to my departure, I was frantic and frazzled over finishing and submitting my MFA manuscript as well as getting the nevessary documents for me to leave the country. Even though the Graduate Studies Coordinator of the UP Fine Arts said I could just email my manuscript and have somebody print, bind, submit for me, I chose to do everything before I left.
Getting those documents proved to be a bigger pain. The convoluted system plus the insensitive assigned staff member lacking any initiative and compassion to help just pushed me to take things into my own hands. One of my cohorts actually wept when his documents arrived out of sheer exhaustion. My documents arrived a few minutes before the end of the work week, a few days before I left.
Imagine my panic and anxiety. All of those impeded me from preparing for this PhD adventure properly. It has been truly a struggle for me. Everyday, I fight the black dogs away from my head. I couldn’t concentrate on a class and felt emotions I have not felt since High School: that of inadequacy.
But, first semester is done and I will be here for the next five years. I know now it feels long but when I start having more fun and being more productive, I imagine time will be swift.
I am in a brave new world with anxious feet, tepid sense of self. Mabe I can regain what I have lost in this new world.